A Bowl Of Connection

A Bowl Of Connection

Our wedding was held in a beautiful location overlooking the bay and the city of San Francisco. The ceremony was a blend of German and African American marriage customs. From my heritage - the jumping of the broom. From her German heritage, we were presented with a bowl and cup, from which bride and groom feed each other and say “May you never go hungry and may you never go thirsty.” 
The decorative broom is mounted on our wall in a place of honor, and the bowl found it’s way to an honorary place under our lovely hand painted (thumbs literally) wedding guest registry picture. 
The other day, I caught my beautiful wife eating peaches at the dining room table. She was innocently enjoying her bounty when I noticed the bowl. She was eating from our ceremonial wedding bowl!  
Appalled,  I gave her a look. She did not get my gesture. I pointed at the bowl, and all she could say was whaat?”

Then in a split second I was presented, by mind, with a number of  judgements. 

"Oh my god she is so unromantic." 
"She is not my equal in the romance department."
Then my victim voice spoke up. 
"How can she be so insensitive."
"Doesn’t she know this is important to me… to us??!" 

Then my self-righteous voices as I could feel the alarms going off in my system and my muscles starting to tense. 
"Who does she think she is?"
"Well I’m not going to live in an unromantic relationship this will have to change!!"


Then a quiet little voice chimed up during the nanosecond barrage of thoughts...
"Why don’t you tell her how important the bowl is to you?"
 

When I heard the voice, It was like the crowd in my head dispersed. I would choose communication over judgment, victimhood, and self-righteousness. 
So I spoke up.
I said: "Hey babe did you know you are eating peaches out of our ceremonial wedding bowl?”
 

The questioning look on her face turned to surprise! She had forgotten the bowls significance. 
In the next nanosecond, I felt a rush of compassion flow through my body and ideas like: 
“Maybe it was her pregnancy brain that made her forget the importance of the bowls."              "You know, that bowl was just the right size for her peaches".
"I get it, from a German’s point of view, the bowl was an efficient choice".  

Once I said something instead of insisting that she read my mind, it was easy to have another frame of reference. It’s so easy to take the path of judgment or victim in situations with people we love. Worse yet, is allowing the people we love to let us down because we refused to share what is important to us, in a way that doesn’t blame or shame them. The choice to share and allow is always present in the small voice if we can just listen to it. 

All in all, we had a good chuckle which created a moment of connection. 

Can You Handle The Love You Desire?

Can You Handle The Love You Desire?

When the felt sense of love in my life dropped to a level that I felt was too cold (not good enough), then my automatic love system would kick in to heat up the relationship again.   I would be contrite, charming, loving and engaging. I would be just loving enough to get my love thermostat back to my comfort zone.

 

Stop The Heart You Break May Be Your Own

Stop The Heart You Break May Be Your Own

We hear the phrase often… “just follow your heart”. It is so common it’s part of our psychological DNA. We hear this advice from loved ones, friends, family and from our romantic culture.  When  “Follow your heart”  is heard in the movies things work out 99% of the time! This is a far higher number than reality.  In a real relationship following your heart can lead to DANGER! it can leave you wondering just where you made the wrong turn, and scrambling to get off the highway of love. 

Why Security Seeking May Kill Your Relationship

Why Security Seeking May Kill Your Relationship

Seek to live just at the edge of your fear, your fear of intimacy, your fear of being seen and your fear of being known.  Staying within your comfort zone can make you dull, lazy and stagnate your growth as a person. It also makes for a predictably boring relationship. The type of relationship that keeps you pulling for more from your partner;  more excitement, more novelty, more food, more wine or or more intensity. Safety often equals “the known” territory of your life.  When you live within your known territory, you can’t experience profound life changing growth.

Requests Please!

Requests Please!

There are three ways to request anything from anyone. All are useful at different times and have different purposes. Learning to communicate from each will improve the likelihood of getting your request honored.

Top Ten Type Trap!

Top Ten Type Trap!

A search for a top 10 list on relationships will bring up Top 10 Relationship killers, Relationship Breakers, Relationship Challenges, Relationship Goals, Realistic Ways to Find Love, Top 10 Mistakes, Rules and Problems. The top 10 list will go on and on.  

These lists drive me crazy! They act as we are reactive animals acting on the impulse of  hormones and stimuli!  Oh wait!  Ok so that part sounds a bit true! Yet it is not true that as humans our hormones or stimuli are predictable to others or even ourselves. 

Falling Into Grace

Falling Into Grace

When we are lucky, we meet in the inchoate cave of love, and navigate it in such a way that we can move from our darkness that separates us through to the other side in a way that what is inside can be manifested in a tangible and material co-existence together. This is bliss. This is joy. 

LOVING YOUR PARTNER THROUGH JEALOUSY

What should you do if you go out with a platonic friend only to find that your partner is now incredibly jealous? How do you frame the suspicion, anger, insecurity and emotional outburst that come your way in exchange for a furtive glance at the opposite sex?