If you have looked up anything on relationships you will find a list of categories offering advice from “ways to keep him” to the “best ways to make her scream”. A search for a top 10 list on relationships will bring up Top 10 Relationship killers, Relationship Breakers, Relationship Challenges, Relationship Goals, Realistic Ways to Find Love, Top 10 Mistakes, Rules and Problems. The top 10 list will go on and on.  

These lists drive me crazy! They act as we are reactive animals acting on the impulse of  hormones and stimuli!  Oh wait!  Ok so that part sounds a bit true! Yet it is not true that as humans our hormones or stimuli are predictable to others or even ourselves.  

The problem inherent in these types of list is a problem of individual perception vs collective reality.

Our identity is our conceptual idea of who we are. We have a clear picture of who we are in relationship, sometimes those ideas protect us and secure for us beautiful benefits.  However, eventually your static ideas about who you are in relationship, limit the flow of energy within you. We suffocate love in a myriad of preferences and the limiting ideas we have about who we are, what is best for us and what is intolerable to us.   sigh...  At this point you may fight to maintain our old self identity, but you are fighting to preserve the identity (or type) that is resistant to your own happiness. Because where there is resistance to love we find mistrust, un-forgiveness, anger, infidelity, hurt, and all levels of distress. At this point are you  even on the path of real love?

Besides, once you are on love’s path, where the path will lead you is anybodies guess.This is the individual reality of love.  Once you meet that “guy” or “gal” no matter your type or theirs, all of your ideas about who you are can become moot under the transformative power of love.   Fear of our own happiness, fear of becoming what one must to have and hold another,  can create a certain rigidity that keeps us from spontaneity and authentic relating to our partners.  It is said there are only two responses to life, two actions only... we act in love or we act in fear.

The reality is that  life's a journey and love is this time altering, reality bending path that changes you literally into someone different. That’s a good thing. But it’s less predictable than any Top 10 types, and it’s more personal and distinctive to you.  When you resist trying to negatively control others within some guise of self control or certainty, you can reach your transformational growth potential. Just by letting go and slipping into the uncomfortable unknown.

I think that's the part that makes love the scariest, the fact that we are no longer in control.  When you step on the path of love your heart takes over, you watch yourself do and say things that you never dreamed of doing and saying before.  We become more like the people wish ourselves to be, unless fear is leading the way.

Finding love is about being able to flow with the fear of change. Change that inevitably has to occur when you bring in the energies of another person.  This change to flow is also about letting go of expectations, especially the habit our current self identity. This is where we get lost. We don’t want to let go of the those parts of ourselves that we like or love. We simply want love to change the areas that we don’t like. This is impossible. It is complete surrender or it is not.

To be in flow, is to lose identity with some form of our ego. This is precisely what love is in the world to do, to separate us from our false identity of self and bring us back to the knowledge of the truth.  As long as I cling to myself, I can not grasp love. Being willing to let go of ideals about myself, and let myself emerge within the transformation is where we most often lose touch with our authentic self, love's path and the power of our hearts. .

The power of love is available to anyone who is unafraid to embrace the change. Finding love is tied to your practical ability to stay present while you are being altered. Most of the troubles, breakdowns, fears and problems with our partners are the places we are unwilling or unknowingly resisting the call of love to change and drop our ego driven types.