Seeking security may kill relationship growth. We want to feel safe within relationship. We want to trust ourselves, our partners, and the world we are creating. We want to know that they will be there, that our expenditure of time, energy and effort will create lasting dividends. The truth is, we often just want to know that every ounce of effort we put in will be met with an equal or greater once of reward and pleasure. Oh if only life worked that way.
Relationships never offer this type of return. Nor should they. A relationship is a topsey- turvey excursion out into the edge of our known self existence. We want to cross our boundaries to know who we are at our outer edges. Yet is it important to stay in contact with our truest self and create time and space to sit in the source our interior life.
Seek to live just at the edge of your fear, your fear of intimacy, your fear of being seen and your fear of being known. Staying within your comfort zone can make you dull, lazy and stagnate your growth as a person. It also makes for a predictably boring relationship. The type of relationship that keeps you pulling for more from your partner; more excitement, more novelty, more food, more wine or or more intensity. Safety often equals “the known” territory of your life. When you live within your known territory, you can’t experience profound life changing growth.
Blindly pushing through your fear is not the answer either. The arrogant, sensation numbing, risk taking leap into the unknown with reckless abandon often leads to numbness or worse self trauma. It's just as foolish an option for dealing with and metabolizing your fear. Pushing out too far beyond your edge is often characterized by, giving too much and loving too much. We lose touch with ourselves and we often feel exhausted, overwhelmed and unloved, even when things are relatively stable. That is because being too far past your edge can make your times of comfort just times for Intensive self-care and recovery, leaving you and your partner wondering what happened.
Living in the sweet spot is the answer. The sweet- spot is that place of comfortable edginess, where you sense your edge and stay in touch with your capacity. The sweet spot is life at your breaking point but not at your tipping point. You operate just outside the edge, at this point everything you experience is deeply felt. Then when you have those moments of comfort you are not needing intensive self-care for your frazzled nerves and emotions.
The sweet spot is where you find yourself, you find your partner and you feel most alive. You are not too pushed out, so that you can’t metabolize your fear nor are you so retracted in your security that you can’t feel anything. The sweet spot makes life a manageable challenge, and neither a mundane bore of routine, nor an overwhelming sea of constant change.
Within your relationship sweet spot you can grow and remain in touch with your inner core or source of power.
Want to know your relationship sweet spot? Invest in knowing yourself better.