I’ve found that most of my relationships have a singular starting point. They start at a real, palpable and gut level attraction. Relationships tend to begin in this smooth, effortless, uncommon naturalness that transcends the forces of nature itself. We feel energized, although we lack sleep from endless late night conversations or even better from sensual forays where soul and body meet at the point of pleasure.
From here things often deepen. We move through the time and space of our histories. We get acquainted with each other. We go deeper into physical connection, learning each other's glances, smiles, laughs, touches and the language of each others heart, the worlds without words.
When we are lucky, we meet in the inchoate cave of love, and navigate it in such a way that we can move from our darkness that separates us through to the other side in a way that what is inside can be manifested in a tangible and material co-existence together. This is bliss. This is joy. Yet we intuitively understand that it is through the darkness that joy is reached. It is part of the journey towards a deeper love. And often it is par the course for creating the compatibility needed to navigate challenges in a way that speaks to each others hearts, minds and dreams.
Often, I myself get stuck in a preference, a fixed idea of what love should entail and where it should take me. None of this true. I realize that. But my heart longs for what it longs for. If you, like me, have a heart that can be attached to it’s ideal, then you understand the suffering that can take place from this place. Many, many people block, stop or even move away from love when it doesn’t meet their hearts expectations.
How do we navigate our hearts desire when they are contrary to love’s desire? Our hearts motivate us, they fill us with courage, love, abandon, gaiety and joy. But how do we continue to go deeper with love, when we fear, when we are hurt, when we feel anger? It is also the heart which breaks, which turns cold, which burns with hate, revenge, or scorn. The heart is a package deal of good attachments, good feelings and hurtful attachments that harm love, pleasure and connection.
How do we convince the heart that love is possible in a relationship that is struggling? A relationship that is no longer working quite as “naturally” as when you first began your dance of love with one another?
Here are a few ideas taken from my own experience and given here to you. Please pass them on.
Set aside time to commiserate the heart’s losses. This means set aside time to feel sympathy for the feelings of hurt and misunderstanding between you. Commiserating is not blaming, fixing or explaining. It is a time for each of you to share where you hurt. It is a time to put a spotlight on what hurts. Where it hurts is very different than “why” it hurts. When we talk about “why” we hurt we often make assumptions about the motives of the other person. This amounts to blaming and should be refrained from in a commiserating heart session.
Take time to fondly recall a pleasantry with one another. This exercise has the potential to revitalize your relationship if you do it right. Recalling pleasant times you spent with one another is a great way move past old hurts and resentments. Stay focussed on what went well and stay clear of going further into hurt and resentment. Remember this is not the time to vent about what didn’t go as expected. Recalling that service at dinner was poor probably won’t make you feel closer to your partner, but recalling how excited you felt being with your partner at the restaurant might!
There are many ways to get lovingly reconnected to your partner and none works better than hugging until relaxed. (I like to modify this to cuddling until relaxed, which includes hugging!) Find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted (this may be the hardest part of this exercise), then connect physically without words and without expectation that anything sexual will happen. Feel your heart, body and energy become reconnected to your partner as you become aware of your breath and the sensations in your own body. Try to breathe in sync with one another to add to the connection.
Doing these exercises will help you feel rejuvenated and closer to your partner. However, if you find these exercises are more problematic than helpful, maybe it's time to get help with getting through the barriers keeping you from experience all that love and relationship have to offer. Feel free to email me for further help exploring connection and love within your relationship.