When the felt sense of love in my life dropped to a level that I felt was too cold (not good enough), then my automatic love system would kick in to heat up the relationship again. I would be contrite, charming, loving and engaging. I would be just loving enough to get my love thermostat back to my comfort zone.
We hear the phrase often… “just follow your heart”. It is so common it’s part of our psychological DNA. We hear this advice from loved ones, friends, family and from our romantic culture. When “Follow your heart” is heard in the movies things work out 99% of the time! This is a far higher number than reality. In a real relationship following your heart can lead to DANGER! it can leave you wondering just where you made the wrong turn, and scrambling to get off the highway of love.
Seek to live just at the edge of your fear, your fear of intimacy, your fear of being seen and your fear of being known. Staying within your comfort zone can make you dull, lazy and stagnate your growth as a person. It also makes for a predictably boring relationship. The type of relationship that keeps you pulling for more from your partner; more excitement, more novelty, more food, more wine or or more intensity. Safety often equals “the known” territory of your life. When you live within your known territory, you can’t experience profound life changing growth.
There are three ways to request anything from anyone. All are useful at different times and have different purposes. Learning to communicate from each will improve the likelihood of getting your request honored.
A search for a top 10 list on relationships will bring up Top 10 Relationship killers, Relationship Breakers, Relationship Challenges, Relationship Goals, Realistic Ways to Find Love, Top 10 Mistakes, Rules and Problems. The top 10 list will go on and on.
These lists drive me crazy! They act as we are reactive animals acting on the impulse of hormones and stimuli! Oh wait! Ok so that part sounds a bit true! Yet it is not true that as humans our hormones or stimuli are predictable to others or even ourselves.
When we are lucky, we meet in the inchoate cave of love, and navigate it in such a way that we can move from our darkness that separates us through to the other side in a way that what is inside can be manifested in a tangible and material co-existence together. This is bliss. This is joy.
What should you do if you go out with a platonic friend only to find that your partner is now incredibly jealous? How do you frame the suspicion, anger, insecurity and emotional outburst that come your way in exchange for a furtive glance at the opposite sex?